December 29, 2016

Dear Lover,

We’re fighting right now.  Apparently I wasn’t walking Bear properly.  You came in to apologize (sort of), and I wasn’t gracious enough to just accept what you were (hopefully) trying to say.  I’m not even really angry.  I just don’t want to be around anyone.

I also got my period today.  I’m so disappointed.  I so badly don’t want this to be our story.

I’ve also learned that if I don’t reach out to people, they just disappear.  No one called me on Christmas.  Mum and Aunt Susan came to your mum’s house, which was great; except my mum was drunk.  Awesome.

We decided not to go to the annual Christmas party for my mum’s extended family. We probably should have gone.  I’m feeling really badly that we didn’t.  And guilty.  Really guilty.

Bear’s surgery is tomorrow and I’m choosing to be up here being stubborn and refusing to interact with her because of what you said.

I’m a horrible person.

There’s still lots to be grateful for.

I’m tired.

 

December 15, 2016

Dear Lover,

It’s 7am and I’m sitting in the beautiful and very modern looking clinic waiting to have blood drawn again. My arms are starting to look like I’ve been engaging in bad habits. It feels good to see so many other women (and their husbands) in the same position, and having additional information about my body and what it’s doing has been more empowering and helpful than I had anticipated.

The car is getting fixed and the world has carried on at work – just like you said it would. I’m still so disappointed and discouraged, but you also remind me that’s to be expected, given what happened.

I think I’m more than ready for the winter break. And for the holidays to be over. And for 2016 to be GONE.

And you tell me that’s just fine.

xo

December 10, 2016

Dear Lover,

2016 has been pretty awful. Yesterday wasn’t the worst day of 2016, but it was right up there. I was taken to task for not smiling enough at one teacher in the hallway, and not saying good morning to her when I walk by her room. I can’t believe I deal with this nonsense at work. You wisely pointed out that perhaps people dont like driven women. You’re right – they don’t. I’m glad you’ve come to see this through my experiences. I hope this starts to change for women in the future.

After leaving my principal’s office and calling you crying from the car, I hit a deer. Yes, a deer. In Toronto. Icing on the cake.

Good news – it never crossed my mind that you would be angry with me. You told me this is why we have insurance, and you then took care of everything.

I hate 2016. But I love you a lot. A whole lot.

xo

December 9, 2016

Dear Lover,

I went to the fertility clinic again on Wednesday for another test, and will head back on Sunday morning for another follow up.  The doctor who did the sonohysterogram told me he had found fibroids, big ones, and then promptly left the room… uhhh, thanks?  The technician told me to wait and ask the doctor who has been working with me.  The receptionist told me I’d hear back from someone within 24 hours.  So far it’s been almost 48 and I haven’t heard a word.

I promised the technician I wouldn’t look online, but I did…

I’d like them to call with a plan.  I’m so glad you and I are sharing our worries and experiences about this with each other.

I love you.

xo

December 5, 2016

Dear Lover,

I started going to a fertility clinic for tests this weekend.  I hadn’t talked to you at all about it (like, at all) because I wasn’t ready to deal with this news myself.  How can it happen so naturally and easily for others, and yet it’s just not happening for us?  We’ve done everything right, and it’s just not happening.  When I catch myself thinking that way, I remember that most people don’t get to actually marry their soul mate.  Maybe being together is the great gift we get in this life, and maybe that’s just enough.

Although I am curious to know what the tests say…

xo