April 27, 2016

Dear Lover,

It’s Thursday.  I had Curriculum Share last night, which means all the parents of all my students come into my classroom and participate in activities their children do when they’re at school.  It also means I was at work until 9pm last night, and up again at 6:00 this morning to do it all over again.  This week you were at a Raptor’s basketball playoff game, and you also had ball hockey.  We’re planning on running into each other tonight at home – it’s been a busy week in our house.

I live for the weekends when we just get to be at home together.  I love it when we get to sit on the couch without needing to go anywhere.  I love it when our biggest task for the day is to wander the aisles of the grocery store together, choosing out the food we’ll enjoy for the upcoming week.  My favourite thing is when we have nothing else to do but go for a drive to nowhere in particular.  Basically, I love doing anything that keeps me by your side.

One of the blogs I read has really affected me a lot over the past year.  Most recently, she has blogged about how her brother just announced he has ALS.  One of my more constant worries is something happening to you that would take you away from me.  My heart breaks for her, as I don’t know what I would do if something happened to one of my sisters.  But I am devastated for his wife because I don’t know how I could watch you suffer, knowing that soon you would be gone and I would be left here alone… doing all the things we used to do together – the groceries, sleeping in, going on walks, long aimless drives – all by myself.

Without you my world stops making sense.

xo

April 21, 2016

Dear Lover,

I’m at work.  It’s pyjama day.  You always laugh at how different my day at school is from your day at your office – no day embodies that better than today.

I just got back to my desk and looked at my phone.  I had one text from you.

“My heart misses your heart”

And my heart melted completely.

xo

April 19, 2016

Dear Lover,

I love a good goal.

I’m halfway through a 30 day yoga challenge.  My yoga studio started this challenge on April 1st, and I definitely needed something to focus my mind and spend some time outside of my head.  It was perfect timing, and they had a sticker chart, so I signed up.  I’ve LOVED it.  And I think it’s made everyone around me feel better because they know that I’m actually doing something and not just going to bed (although this is what I would like to be doing most days).  

Today you told me how proud you were of me for taking on this challenge and getting to the yoga studio every.single.day this month.  The best part?  You told me that you would celebrate by going to my 30th day with me.  I’ve been dying for you to go to yoga with me, so this is absolutely delightful in my books.  I can’t wait.

You came to the meeting when I was given my one year medallion at AA.  You sat in the crowd and I got to thank you in front of everyone.  You don’t cry often, but you looked a little weepy as you sat in the circle among the many faces I knew so well, and you had never met before.  You told me after that the room is so full of hope, but also so full of sadness.  That pretty much sums up AA.  It also sums up my yoga experience this month.

You also come to the finish line every single time I run a half marathon, and you always get a little weepy when you see me cross because you’re so proud of me and the hard work I’ve put into achieving my goal.  I struggle as I train because sometimes it is just too frustrating.  This is how AA has been, but also how 30 days of yoga has been.  It’s hard, but it’s good.  It’s a good kind of hard.

Our goal together is to have a family.

I am full of hope, but also full of sadness.  And that’s okay.  It’s a good kind of hard, and those seem to be the best finish lines to reach.

xo

April 14, 2016

Dear Lover,

Yesterday was a hard day.  Yesterday was supposed to be our first ultrasound appointment.  I had buried it somewhere deep in my mind and had completely forgotten to call and cancel.  I now need to call and apologize for missing our appointment.  Yesterday was also supposed to be our first appointment with our midwife, Leah.  We aren’t meeting her because we have no need for a midwife.  We have no baby.

Because we live in a big city with a huge waiting list for midwives, I still need to email all of the midwives we contacted and ask to be removed from their waiting list.  Because we live in a city where there is a two year waiting list for daycare, I also need to remove us from the waiting lists we applied to for September of 2017.  I feel like loose ends are just going to keep popping up over and over, reopening the cut I’m busy trying to close and forget about.

I told you how I was feeling, and you hugged me and told me it must have just been a really hard day.  You didn’t make me feel like I was being silly, or like I should be over this loss already, even though I find myself saying these things quietly to myself.  Instead you just hugged me twice, gave me a kiss, and told me again that everything was going to be okay.  You looked me right in the eyes and promised.  And I’m choosing to believe you.

xo

April 12, 2016

Dear Lover,

I felt angry yesterday.  Maybe more irritated than angry, but certainly not calm or content on the inside.

As I was walking to yoga I realized that I was feeling pressure.  Now that you are back, I feel like I need to keep up the appearances that I’ve since realized I’ve been maintaining in other areas of my life.  I’ve been relishing in the time when I get to come home and be a bit of a mess.  I hadn’t realized I was a bit of a mess until yesterday when I understood the pressure I was feeling.

Of course you are not putting this pressure on me.  You didn’t make me eat dinner, and didn’t tell me I had to be happy.  You asked me what was wrong, and I replied honestly by telling you that nothing is wrong.

Because nothing is wrong specifically.  But I definitely don’t feel right.

Maybe I’m not as fine as I thought I was.

xo

April 11, 2016

Dear Lover,

You’re home.  I couldn’t be happier.  Guin is over the moon.

I’ve had a few moments over the past weekend when my heart has felt happy again.  This has reassured me that we will get through this and I won’t feel like this forever.

I love you.

xo

April 7, 2016

Dear Lover,

Our favourite part of a vacation together is arriving late at night and dipping our toes in the warm ocean. You called me last night from Cancun, Mexico just as you were taking off your sandals.  We talked as you explored the beach and put your feet in the ocean.  Then the waves got big and I got nervous and demanded you leave the ocean immediately 🙂  I can’t have you getting swept away.

I miss you so much, but I know that soon you’ll be coming home to me.

xo

April 6, 2016

Dear Lover,

Today you leave for a business conference for five days.  You were going to cancel, but I’ve promised you I’ll be fine.  And today I’m starting to believe that in my heart.

This conference is going to be good for your career, and good for you and your confidence in yourself.  You’ve done an amazing job climbing the ladder in your company and breaking through ceilings when you encounter them.  You’re always up for a challenge, and your level headed nature has allowed you to conquer the many challenges your role presents you with.

I’m so proud of how you carry yourself as you walk through the world.  You’re calm, even, and fair – always.

I’m going to miss you over the next five days.  So much.  I always miss you too much when you’re gone, but I know you’ll be home soon.

And in the meantime I’ll be fine.

I promise.

xo

April 5, 2016

Dear Lover,

Things I’m grateful for:

• You make dinner for us pretty much every single night.  Lately I haven’t been hungry, but you gently encourage me to eat and don’t mind if I only have a few bites.
• You always see the best in me, and remind me that I truly am that person you see, even if I’m not feeling that way in this moment.
• You celebrate my successes, big and small.  Lately this has included getting through my day as a teacher, and just getting to yoga at night.  You raise the bar when I can reach for it, and keep me afloat when the bar is too far away for me to see.
• You allow me to feel my sadness, but also remind me that this too shall pass.
• You keep me looking forward with hope and faith.  You walk with me by my side on every adventure and never leave me behind when I can’t quite keep up.
• You hold my hand when we’re together, and you hold my heart when we’re apart.  In this way, you’re never far away and I’m never alone.

I love you.  And I love how you love me.

xo

April 4, 2016

Dear Lover,

Some really beautiful things have come from this experience.  The kindness and love my otherwise emotionless father showed touched my heart and spoke volumes about the love of a parent for their child.  My mother, often inaccessible because alcohol has created a void between us, was as present as I could have asked.  My sisters are my truest friends.  Your family loves us so much, and made sure we knew that to be true.  Strangers or friends I’ve met through AA have been so helpful and supportive, and have reminded me that this too shall pass (which is what I had written on my one year medallion, and always rings true).

Some really hurtful and heartbreaking things have also come on the heels of this experience.  Friends who have put words in place of actions have left me confused and angry.  A lack of compassion and consideration has shown me dark parts of people that I’m not sure I can overcome.  I have lost some trust and faith, but have also gained so much in other areas.

Life is not always easy, but that doesn’t mean that all that is happening is hard.  As a couple, we consciously decide to live with gratitude.  Even it times of darkness, we can help each other find the light so we can live with grateful hearts.

After all, good things come to those who wait.  And right now we’re just waiting.

xo